Tripping

They say a mother's love is unconditional. It's probably the most conditional of all.

When your baby smiles up at you, that sucker punch to the stomach is the very first time you feel unconditional love... and it's coming right at you, not from you.

A baby knows no one else; there are no comparisons, no higher expectations. You are completely the MOST beautiful, kindest, bravest and most special person in the whole world. All just while being you.No need to impress or dress up.

It's intoxicating. The power rush.




Update: Young N now occassionally tells me I should wear the shoes that are like "this" (he stands on tippy toes) "just coz they look better."

And so it begins.

Deal

The sense of alone-ness, of alienation from the world while grappling with roiling emotions.

...teenage angst, mid-life crisis...

If you're lucky, you learn to deal with it the first time around.

Or, you go off to college, meet new people. Life distracts, diverts attention.

Then it all comes back to bite you in the ass.

You get to ignore it again if you're rich enough to buy a red convertible and a trophy wife.

refresh renew not just recycle

Being emotionally dependent on a whimsical person is fraught with anxiety because of the possibilty, even likelihood, of malicious whims.

The casual phrase that stings, the light allusion to nastiness past...

And like all good self-fulfilling prophecies, it's the fear of that chance, that possibilty, that makes it seem more the rule than the exception.

Dependence on a whimsical world, now that's a different trip. The factors involved seem infinite, more likely to guarantee true chance. Makes you feel like this time around it's you calling the shots.

For better or worse.